We have made it three years, and I still haven't been able to shake the wonderful distraction of nostalgia. I'm back, and full of stories, clarifications, and realizations. I hope you continue reading these entries, and even have been waiting patiently for their return (like always, in my mind). It's been a while since I've updated you all on my life and philosophy, and many things have been learned or have yet to be proven. So, to end this small paragraph, and begin anew (y'all see these skills???!!!): Hello. My name is Theon, and it is good to write to you once more.
Well, I didn't make the move to Texas, like planned. A family friend was shot and killed just a month before I left. It wasn't a sign. More of a form of solidification, I now feel as though I missed out on. At the same time, I had lost an apartment that served as so much more for the state I was in. I lost a friend that had been just as unidentifiable as the "sign" mentioned before, and emotions have revealed themselves to come from a broken heart. So many practices of poker faces and optimistically stigmatic behavior lead up to a point of exhaust. While I lived in Scarborough, for the umpteenth time, I had the solitude and reflection I doubt would have been available on the road, in Iraq, raising children, or getting drunk with a beautiful beige woman that I had somehow made amends with. The last time I left you guys, I was probably living back at my mother's house. A place I hadn't spent the night since 2006. Around this time, I had quit my job, working on cars, and taken on an easier ( and better paying) occupation at Chase Tower, cleaning lobbies. I met some interesting people there. Has-beens, run-away love-childrens, ratchets, and childless mothers. All but one were women. I also fell deeper down the rabbit hole of metaphysics. Sneaking in cat nap, in a janitor closet or employee locker room, I came across the strangest habits. I got used to my leg falling asleep on the toilet. I also got used to "dumbing down" my vocabulary, for the sake of regular gab. I guess you could say I picked up a lot of unnecessary bad habits. You could also say that Texas was the right move, and that nostalgia is what kept me from keeping up with this blog, or any of the many blogs that I started since last seen.
I never moved to Texas. But instead, became a victim of my own bitterness, looking for sexual convenience from women much older than me. Only being nineteen and being able to say I've been honored to pleasure so many grown women, in such a cerebral way, may not be something I can post on a Facebook status, but something I can keep for the potential significant other. As far as that goes, I also realized that most of the women with children are psychologically women themselves. The reason I was so able to connect with many of the people I had become familiar with was because they too were thrown out to the wolves at a certain age. Mental age, if you ask me. How many parents had absolutely no idea they weren't raised in awful conditions, then continue on thinking that it is the way things should be done? How many people have put aside passions and talents to find a full-time job, that paid enough to house themselves and live life on a check-to-check basis? Why haven't any of these misguided adult-children been able to explore far enough, past the "norm" they were handed down, to see that the lives they were brought into were miseducated guesses and unidentified mistakes? I actually had a leg-up on the people surrounding me. Some so convinced that "one day" was still going to happen, without any changing of the way they operated. People of 2012 overdosing on slave dreams. Dreams that sound so close, but lived without execution.
I fell out of Christianity. By a long shot. Churches went from the place you didn't understand, to the place you got used to, to the people you simply wanted to fit in with. After a while, pastors were shaking governors' hands and persuading legislature. I couldn't find myself to come into a facility that had lost it's first impression. In 2011, I began light meditation. Learning to search for chakras, foreseeing miscellaneous parties and conversations. Not that I became some wizard. I had just finally tapped into the a place that had been speaking, so silently, throughout my entire life. I won't say I've done the impossible. Nor will I say I stopped following the same wisdom that had protected me all these years. In fact, I learned to pray in my own right. I woke up in the morning and sang a song that only my God and I understood. I studied my own language and made one that resonated with what I knew and was in search of. I was on a journey.
By the time I had changed my name to "Theon Lee", I was having premonitions and even manifesting ideas into matter. I had suddenly got the urge to leave my four friendly walls to themselves, and had moved into a place that would serve as a time of recap. Old faces, old habits, and the same old responses. People I had yet to let go of, continuing motions of the time I had just escaped. Meanwhile, one of the "ideas" that I had came to life, and presented a new family. A family of poets, not far from my age. At first, cute. After so much time spent around each other, we had become the faces of the future of Indianapolis Poetry. We took over every stage we could find. We even had our own scene, for a while. It was wonderful. Having friends who met your means to create. And just create. We had writing sessions. We had parties. We took trips and tours to different cities. Each of us, just short of 21. After being spoiled with so much divine intervention, we slowly broke away. Not as friends, but as conduits to an unmoving motion to create. I miss them, fairly. I might even someday use this habit of looking back to find them all, and reunite what was once so prevalent.
After the group split up, I had quit my job at Chase Tower, and was a full-time poet, part-time language arts teacher, for a non-profit, ran by one of the women I had secretly fallen in like with. Despite the fear of actually asking her out, I learned to look at the age gap I was wedged in. There were so many programs for youth, and so little understanding between generations. I fell right between, and it was almost as if I was targeted by EVERY youth administration in the city. Everyone wanted someone who could just "get through to them" ( the kids). By trying to fill such shoes, the truth became that I wasn't completely developed as an adult. Not even as a teenager. I couldn't relate. My words were to ear what trains were to tunnels. In one end and out the other. I was talking like a white guy from Beverly Hills interning for Big Brother programs in Watts. A few times, it had even become discouraging. I remember wanting to quit and keep my act on a stage in front of an halfway civilized audience. How pretentious? I had never confronted my fears in high school long enough to remember that these kids were just playing with my mind. The difference was, where in 2004, I could make my point with physicality, and beat the shit out of some kid for testing the "quiet type". But now, I was the adult. I was the helpless student-teacher with no clue how to handle a rambunctious crowd of over-grown preschoolers. I was the punk ass teacher who is scared of Damon and Keon (for example). Was I scared? Hardly. It was a lesson that frustration does not only come in the form of angry, be sometimes skepticism and stagnance. Lo and behold, my opportunity to translate my world into theirs came. We took a trip to the Indianapolis Museum of Art. I was able to get them out of their broken dull world's into my colourful haven. And what an experience. There were able to run free with curiosity, in an unknown land, and I was able to answer their questions. Then it was time for me to, once again, answer my own questions.
I've been typing for a while now, and it's starting to feel like an assignment. So before I spoil my sense of freedom in writing you, I'm going to continue this update on a later date. Hopefully, it is as timely as the events occurring in my current life. 'Til then, Peace, Love, & Purpose.
-Theon Lee
